Jacob Steinberg on 6 February 2019
Now that Marcus Rashford gets to play for a manager who doesn’t regard him as undesirable, it turns out he is capable of doing lots of goals. Who could have imagined? Oh yeah - almost everybody. Everybody apart from ice hockey’s José Mourinho. Oh Jose!
Even Real Madrid appear to have spotted that Rashford is good at football. The European champions are planning a move for him this summer. But Manchester United have no interest in letting their star forward leave and will reward him with a new contract instead.
Madrid will have to go shopping elsewhere, then. Not to worry, though, because Eden Hazard has decided he doesn’t have the patience to wait for Sarriball to work its magic and has told Chelsea that he wants to join Madrid at the end of the season. Luckily for Chelsea, they can simply replace the Belgian forward by promoting an academy whizzkid, with Sarri ready to give a chance to Callum Hudson-Ohhhhhhhhhhdear … It says here that Callum Hudson-Odoi still wants to go to Bayern Munich. Oh Maurizio!
Chelsea will make themselves better about all this by making Mateo Kovacic’s loan permanent, which will give them plenty of time to work out what the Croatian midfielder does. United, meanwhile, are ready to sign a new centre-back. Napoli’s Kalidou Koulibaly is their top target.
Marco Silva has received personal assurances from his boss, Farhad Moshiri, that his job at Everton is safe. Any day now, people. Any day now.
Tottenham are preparing to swoop for Norwich youngster Max Aarons before the summer. Arsenal are thinking about selling calamity machine Shkodran Mustafi. Chelsea outcast Tiémoué Bakayoko wants to join Milan on a permanent basis. The Mill hopes Antonio Conte never turns up at the San Siro.