Like a child who can’t live with his classmates having better sweets, Real Madrid don’t like other clubs having nice things. With that in mind, they’re planning to lure Robert Lewandowski from Bayern Munich this summer and into their welcoming bosom, after Tottenham’s ‘intransigence’ in refusing to be good little boys and sell them Harry Kane simply became too much to bear.
Reports in Spain suggest Real already have a deal in place, Lewandowski having supposedly switched agents to Pini Zahavi to make this happen. Apparently it only took two meetings to convince Bayern to relinquish their man, which for the Rumour Mill might trigger some alarm bells. “What do they know that we don’t? Why are they so willing to release this goal machine? What dastardly plans do they have for us here?”
To Manchester United now, where it’s all kicking off. Luke Shaw has supposedly grown weary of being publicly humiliated and told he’s a useless sack of dung by José Mourinho, and is set to do one. Honestly, generation snowflake can’t take regular humiliations in front of their colleagues, thousands in the stadium and millions watching on TV.
Sounds like Shaw won’t be the only one leaving Old Trafford this summer, with word of a clearout on the wind. In one of those stories that won’t actually happen but sounds grabby and interesting, Juan Mata, Ander Herrera, Chris Smalling, Phil Jones, Daley Blind and Matteo Darmian, are all said to be for sale, with Marouane Fellaini and Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s contracts expiring anyway and Michael Carrick retiring.
They will need to be replaced, but don’t worry: this wise old transfer owl has thought of that. United are keen to pip Manchester City to Shakhtar Donetsk midfielder Fred, while Gareth Bale, Toby Alderweireld and Willian are all being eyed up.
Should Alderweireld depart, Spurs will need a new centre-back, and they agree with Gareth Southgate that Alfie Mawson is the bee’s knees. They might also have to cope with Real Madrid sniffing around Dele Alli, as Luka Modric has supposedly anointed the midfielder as his successor, which seems a tad fanciful.
Neymar. Reports over the weekend suggested he cannot countenance earning a mere £500,000-a-week at PSG, and wants that doubled if they’re to keep him happy. Supposedly his dissatisfaction stems in part from a lack of quality in the French league, and to be fair nobody could have predicted that this season would turn out to be an embarrassing pushover and PSG would steamroller everything.
Liverpool will be gazumped for not one but two goalkeepers, it says here: Real Madrid are ahead of them in the queue for Roma’s Allison, while their fall-back option, Bayer Leverkeusen’s Bernd Leno, prefers Napoli.
West Brom have accepted their fate and are planning for the Championship, where they reckon Numancia striker Guillermo will be just the ticket. And Burnley, mindful that Nick Pope could be in demand, are planning to double the new England call-up’s wages to £30,000-a-week.