Jacob Steinberg on 20 September 2017
Neymar is unhappy. More than unhappy, in fact. He’s FURIOUS! He’s been in a right old mood ever since Edinson Cavani wouldn’t let him take a penalty against Lyon on Sunday, which follows on from Cavani not giving the Brazilian all his Lego, refusing to let him have the top bunk and refusing to hand over the last fish finger on his plate at dinner the other night, even though Neymar said please.
Seriously, didn’t this Cavani schmuck get the memo? What Neymar wants, Neymar gets. Otherwise it’s tantrum time! And it’s tantrum time now! Neymar is going to thcweam and thcweam and thcweam and stamp his feet and sulk and frown until Paris Saint-Germain placate him by chucking Cavani into a swimming pool full of sharks equipped with lasers. Or they could just agree to sell him, whatever. But the first option’s cool too. Just saying. Who’d dare take a penalty off Neymar after that?
Definitely not Julian Draxler. The German has already seen which way the wind is blowing in Paris and is thinking about leaving in January, especially as he has a World Cup spot to win. He could find a new home at Arsenal. This is the point where the Mill should make a gag about Arsenal totally needing a new creative midfielder – the joke is that they have a lot of dainty playmakers! – but Draxler is better than what they have.
José Mourinho has decided that Ronald Koeman is nowhere near as fun to wind up as Arsène Wenger. Which is why Manchester United are putting together a £25m package to tempt Alexis Sánchez to Old Trafford when the Arsenal forward’s contract runs out next summer. United will also battle Manchester City for Lazio midfielder Sergej Milinkovic-Savic. City only want the midfielder because they miss Stefan Savic.
Birmingham City want Aitor Karanka to replace The Wheeler Dealer. Everyone needs some cold, hard boredom in their lives now and then.
Barcelona suit Josep Bartomeu has been letting everyone know who the club didn’t sign this summer. Turns out that Philippe Coutinho was too expensive. The Mill isn’t sure what Bartomeu hopes to achieve with this revelation. Well … done? This should get everyone to … like him again?